Hi fellow educators. This post is an excerpt from my school year journal a few years ago at the beginning of what turned out to be a rough year. There is a lot leading up to this and you can read previous entries on my website, http://www.georgiajanet.com/if-these-walls-could-talk/
Thursday, August 12, the first of school
Well, we are now well into the first week. Our EIP team is soooo different than in the past. It is just not as much fun as it was with Willa and Gail. I MUST make myself be more tolerant with our two new cohorts. It seems that I am explaining things over and over. I’m afraid I have handled things poorly. We have concentrated on screening new kids who may be EIP, as well as looking at our own kids and making sure the qualifying documents are in place. The problem seems to be partly that we get conflicting guidance about qualifying kids. The state guideline seems clear to me as it is written, yet we are told different things at different times. I’m not going into all the details here, but it makes it difficult to communicate with teachers when they think a child is “low” and needs extra help. It is not so much that we mind qualifying kids, but we cannot be so subjective. There has to be some consistency, at least within our school if not within the county and state.
That is part of what is making the explanation process hard for our new cohorts. Then it is complicated by the Thrilling Thursday issue – I won’t explain the whole thing, but it’s a program we run to accelerate kids in math and reading. We have limited teachers to do it, and if we get too many kids we run into the law of diminishing returns where we can’t be effective. EIP identified students MUST attend R & M acceleration, to get in their time required for service. We don’t mind accommodating other students who could use the help IF they are not disruptive and IF our numbers don’t get too large. Last year, apparently we did such a good job, the kids loved it and the kids benefited. Then teachers were told (by administrators?) it was for anyone who needed extra help, or who was “at risk” for not passing the CRCT. There it is – the ghost in the room, testing that is driving decisions we make over what is best for students. Our numbers got huge and effectiveness decreased. Of course we repeatedly brought this up. At first I think teachers just thought we didn’t want the extra work of the extra kids. I honestly don’t think administrators thought this, but I also don’t think they realized the impact all the extra kids were having. Whenever we questioned a student coming, we always seemed to be overruled. I don’t think I ever identified it as such last year but now I think I was feeling that our professional judgment was not respected. This is how that was brought into focus for me this week.
Our EIP numbers are smaller, therefore our beginning r&m roll is smaller. We do have 1/2 less teacher. Let me interject that at one point in discussing last year’s over-enrollment problem over the summer with the principal, she said she thought the assistant the principal had probably bowed to pressure from the teachers for kids to be put in, and maybe we needed to be more strict about it this year. I felt like saying DUH!!!!!!!!! I did say we felt like that is what had been happening, and we hope things would be more controlled this year. Well, as we’re identifying kids this week and feeling good about the numbers, thinking oh we’re going to be able to accomplish so much with a smaller group, we get together a tentative roll and send it to the AP Tues pm. Upon arrival Wed am we have an email from him expressing concern about kids who may need the acceleration but are not on the roll, and can we discuss it. Well, it just flew all over me. It also seemed to hit the others the same, except for the two new ones. My defenses immediately went up. Was this him? Was this classroom teachers? Are we going to start the whole thing from last year over again and have no say? Well, I know I was not being very diplomatic when we talked. I know I was sounding petty, but dang it – hadn’t we been over this ground before? EIP can’t cure ADD, bad behavior, poor work habits, or over-accommodating parents. Marie was much more controlled, and speaking much more professionally than I. And when he says well, these scores are going home Friday and what do I say to a parent who wants to know how we’re going to help their kid pass the CRCT, etc. etc, I guess I felt the anger and indignation that arises about having to have these stupid standardized test scores drive every little thing we do, and here he, a man whom I respect and know to feel strongly about issues, seems to be back pedaling to CYA on this testing issue. Well, we agreed to look at it and see what we could come up with. We decided we needed to look at each kid as an individual, provide documentation for why we felt they should or should not be in. When we went back to him with this he seemed agreeable. AND he seemed agreeable to us consulting with the special ed LEA about those kids. When he said he was fine with that and would respect our professional judgment on it I felt like saying HELLO! My whole attitude lightened up. I guess I just felt we were being coerced into taking these kids we truly felt would not only NOT benefit, but could detract from others. We ALWAYS said we didn’t mind them if we felt they were getting something out of it and it didn’t take away from the others.
I think there are a combination of reasons why I seemed to have such a volatile day. I have not been very much at peace with several issues right now. Number one, the IST position. In my view, it is unveiling as I was afraid it would, but maybe I am just looking for verification on that. We have felt little support or collegiality with them. You could even go so far as to say little friendliness from reading IST more so than math. I have tried to keep an open mind, but so far things have not clicked and I keep reminding myself it is still early. BUT – I think it is hurting me to see what I voiced to myself and a few select others – it may turn out ok but it is not as good as it could have been, and I need to find a way to make peace with that.
Another issue is the change in our EIP team. Our old team was just sooo good! We could read each other’s minds (as Marie said). We had fun. We understood each other. The new team has just not jelled yet, and I guess I am concerned about what if it doesn’t? We have to be together as a team on issues. I miss Willa and Gail!
A third issue is just the added responsibility. Being the “grade chair” I feel like I am forgetting something important. What if I screw up? As I was reading in Parker Palmer’s The Courage to Teach, it talked about how we feel insecure and like the image we portray is a fraud. That certainly seems to fit here. I am frequently complimented and lauded – it gets to be a lot to live up to! It can be exhausting to constantly be trying to live up to expectations. But are these truly expectations others have of me or are they ones I put on myself? I suspect it is more the latter than the former. I should be able to just let go of the IST thing and be happy with what I’m doing, but so far I obviously haven’t. I should be able to be patient, understanding, and happy to be with the new cohorts but obviously I haven’t reached that point either. I should feel confident I can handle everything and not be constantly stressed about being sure I’m getting everything done perfectly. Am I just getting too intense over the whole thing? Am I just PMSing? Am I just being self centered? Are my feelings justified, and even if they are what do I do with them?
Another issue is this dissertation thing. I am anxious and was excited about getting going on it. I still am for myself, however I can’t seem to get going with it until some of this other stuff is settled. Yesterday I thought I sensed a reticence in Marie, like she had a headache, didn’t feel well, or was mad or something. At one point I asked her if she was okay and she said yeah she just was trying to concentrate etc etc. She just wasn’t herself. Then this morning, a question came up about the math pre-test copies. I was asked to make sure it was taken care of, or something to that effect. Well, that was ok – I was under the impression one of the new EIP was handling it with the math IST, so I went to her (the EIP) and asked her about it and she said she would check it out. I was trying to handle some changes to list of kids coming to r&m and made a couple of other stops. When I got back to our room I asked Marie if other EIP or IST had been in about the tests. She said no. I guess my face betrayed my feelings – I said something along the lines of well…..I am concerned about this IST situation. In leadership team the previous afternoon some questions had been asked and they both were unable to respond and said they’d just have to find out. As I look back, that is not so unreasonable. But this seems to be a common response. I guess I was expecting more initiative.
Anyway, after having said that, Marie turned away from her work towards me and said she was concerned about me. I was taken by surprise. She said you know yesterday when you asked about me…I was okay but I was concerned about you! You just don’t seem right and is it this (IST) Jamie thing? I responded, well, that could be a part of it but yes, I know I was on the outs yesterday, and no I was not content right now. I do fear it is as I projected but I have to let go of that and do what I can. I also said I knew I needed to be more understanding with Laura. I had asked Marie to help me with this earlier because I know I am not the most patience person in the world when I expect I should be able to explain something once to an educated adult and they should get it. I know this is one of my weaknesses. Funny, but Marie had just mentioned the same situation with her son having to be in a regular English class instead of the gifted English and how that was good for him to develop some tolerance for those with different abilities. I guess I just have a hard time with that.
Anyway, I acknowledged all that to Marie and said yes, I realized I just needed to chill. I think Marie had a point when she said what we need is to just get settled in our classes and teach our kids. But even as I write this and think back to Courage, I think well, am I not entitled to my weaknesses, if that is indeed what they are? Am I not allowed to have feet of clay? Must I be perfect? I think Marie had a point when she said what we need is to just get settled in our classes and teach our babies so we don’t have to think about all this other, and I agree. When you get wrapped up in these kids you can’t dwell on yourself or the other adults so much. You just want to do the best for them. I am torn between wanting that for the kids and wanting that for the teachers too. Is it possible to do some of both effectively? That is part of what I hope to learn in this reflective research process. I feel like I have not been able to connect, except for that first day, with those teachers I may truly be able to influence – the ones with whom I will be collaborating. I think when I am able to get with them and concentrate on how to meet the needs of the students, while knowing that part of my private agenda in doing that is to influence them as teachers, I won’t have time to think about all this other.
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